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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇹 has shared:

I’m not procrastinating. I’m protecting my peace through active avoidance.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has copied:

My problem with Christmas shopping is that I keep seeing things that I like… for me.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has copied:

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

I can admit that I am intrigued by people weirder than I am.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has copied:

A man will beg you to take him back just to act right for 5 days and 24 min.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has bookmarked:

They should go crazier with lab-grown meat. Invent some new animals or something. Mammoth burger.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has bookmarked:

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has copied:

I may regret the megabytes I’ve wasted, but I’ll never regret the megabites I’ve tasted.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has viewed:

Whoever is dating my ex, all I can say is: cheat first!

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Jan 31, 2026

3,709

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Special Offer: Save 100% when you don’t buy anything.

Freshly posted on Slack:

My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Very disappointed by the symbolism of last night’s dream. Just really obvious, derivative stuff.

Making waves on Snapchat:

time heals all wounds.” Wrong! Time is chasing me with a knife.

Spotted on Snapchat:

Girls want a bad boy to fix. Boys want a good girl to corrupt. Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Spotted on Snapchat:

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Seen just now on YouTube:

One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

Trending via Pinterest:

Apple’s secret growth engine: vibe coders paying the $99 Apple Developer Program fee.

Trending via WhatsApp:

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.

Funny Mercury quotes

Funny Mercury quotes 🚀✨ bring a cosmic twist to your day with witty and clever takes on the speedy planet and its mischievous messenger vibes 🌪️💬. Whether you’re a space geek or just love a good laugh, these quotes will have you grinning like you’re riding the solar wind 🌞😂. Ready to orbit some humor? Let’s dive into the fun side of Mercury! 🌍😄

New funny Mercury quotes 👇

Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

7 hours ago

apology, bad, bad behavior, behavior, Gatorade, humor, joking, Mercury, playful, quirky, sarcasm, science, science humor, sorry, whatever
Is Mercury in reggaeton?

2 days ago

astrology, humor, joke, Mercury, music, question, reggaeton
Did you ever stop to ask how Mercury feels about being in retrograde? No, because you only think about yourself.

3 days ago

ask, astrology, being, ever, feelings, humor, Mercury, only, perspective, reflection, retrograde, self-centered, stop, think, yourself
Mercury is no longer in retrograde, so never trust a cow because the sun can’t swim.

1 week ago

absurdity, cow, humor, longer, Mercury, never, retrograde, sun, swim, trust
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

1 week ago

again, astrology, bad, bad things, blame, fact, grown, grown up, humor, i, just, me, Mercury, parents, problems, retrograde, self-awareness, terms, things, used
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet that way.

1 week ago

bar, bruno, Bruno Mars, freddie, Freddie Mercury, humor, joke, Mars, Mercury, music, planet, pun, sports, venus, Venus Williams, walk, williams
Mercury retrograde: because adulting is hard, and sometimes you just need a celestial excuse.

2 weeks ago

adulting, celestial, excuse, hard, humor, just, Mercury, Mercury retrograde, need, retrograde, sometimes
Hey, so this Mercury retrograde is actually really demonic and soul-crippling. Let’s wrap this up by midnight.

2 weeks ago

actually, astrology, demon, frustration, humor, Mercury, Mercury retrograde, midnight, retrograde, soul, wrap

All funny Mercury quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

34 shares on TikTok this month:

My funeral better have a bloody merch table.

83 shares on Twitch this month:

I want to have a penguin that just waddles up to me whenever I’m sad.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

Life hack: You can’t be sad if you are asleep.

73 shares on Instagram this month:

I don’t give people directions. What if no one wants them there?

75 shares on Slack this month:

I’m fairly certain the person who put the first “r” in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.

97 shares on Threads this month:

It’s lowkey nothing else to do except become a better version of yourself, lol.

47 shares on Discord this month:

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday.

27 shares on Facebook this month:

I like you because we hate the same people.

59 shares on Facebook this month:

I have been nothing but creepy and aggressive to you. Please respond.

82 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Gonna start an app for cat sitters where they can review the cats they take care of and it’ll be called Litterboxd.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

15 folks are currently checking 👀

“Are you sexually active?” Dude, I’m not even socially active.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

Old Spice doesn’t sound like something you wanna smell.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean, if you want an autograph or a picture just ask.

16 folks are currently checking 👀

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

I miss the days when our biggest argument was whether West Coast or East Coast rap was better.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,656

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

Using ChatGPT requires you to actually be smart; otherwise, it just regurgitates your dumb takes back to you.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

Girls be like “forget it, I’m fine” then set your house on fire.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has bookmarked:

Capri Sun tastes as if scientists had bet that they could make fruit juice without fruit.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has downloaded:

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

If you can’t handle me while I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have $600.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

My brain is on airplane mode today.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has shared:

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has shared:

My mental health walks make my mental health worse because I live in a shithole.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Discord:

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Making waves on Discord:

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Trending via Telegram:

“No idea” doesn’t mean I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to have a conversation.

Just shared via Instagram:

Nowadays you don’t even have to go to the zoo. A trip to the mall is enough.

Seen just now on Threads:

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Going viral on X:

All these self-driving vehicles… It’s only a matter of time before we hear a country song about his truck leaving him.

Just shared via Telegram:

I have now learned the moonwalk. It’s visually the coolest way to get fresh dog poop off the soles of your shoes.

Live now on Discord:

Anyone want to meet up and just scream… We could get food after.

Just shared via Instagram:

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

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