I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink, have music at a normal volume, and there are no people, and it’s my house.

62 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.

38 shares on Slack this month:

In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

There is sex without love, there is love without sex, and there is me without both.

42 shares on Pinterest this month:

Unpopular opinion: a honeymoon is more needed 5 to 10 years down the road, versus right after getting married.

32 shares on Telegram this month:

I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

64 shares on Discord this month:

One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

60 shares on Pinterest this month:

Forget all this adulting stuff, let’s bring back Saturday morning cartoons.

85 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face.

73 shares on Facebook this month:

I went to clean bathroom and I’m 99% sure my kids shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon.

17 shares on Telegram this month:

Childbirth seems like an awful lot of work for an already saturated market.