iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off.

84 shares on Threads this month:

Show me another rule so I can break that one too.

95 shares on Pinterest this month:

A big part of aging is accumulating keys and not knowing what they’re for.

98 shares on Instagram this month:

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

15 shares on Messenger this month:

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

48 shares on TikTok this month:

11 out of 10 women are always right.

19 shares on WeChat this month:

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

10 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sometimes I wish I could turn down the volume on certain people.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

Getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of angry.

83 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

34 shares on Slack this month:

Gollum is like, “Actually, this is my emotional support precious.”