Made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for isn’t one of them.

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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

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Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

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I wear a lot of clothes for someone who hates doing laundry.

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Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up.

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What’s a beginner hobby for someone just getting into being happy?

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To be fair, a dumpster is like one of the safest places to have a fire.

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The difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body is that I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

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Every day I ask ChatGPT if it knows where my keys are and if it ever knows the answer, I’m suing everybody.