My signature move is forgetting someone’s name 2 seconds after they tell me.

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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

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Leggings: elegant for some, elephant for others.

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I giggle before I go crazy. Gotta start my engine.

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Today’s youth will never experience the pain of spending all their pocket money on a music album. Because of ONE good song!

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Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

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The cool thing about Twitter is you’re never the craziest one.

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My favorite part of leaving the house is looking forward to going home.

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Only thing that can cure my depression is $500 million.

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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.