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Wives: Master keys to the universe and ultimate plot twist forecasters! 🔮🔑😂
Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem?
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Trying to spend more time watching holiday movies than putting out work fires; January me can handle it! 🎄🔥✉️
First date idea: you transfer me all your crypto.
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When love and blockchain collide: straight to the digital wallet! 💘💻🚀
Women will be like “I know a spot,” and then take you directly to hell.
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When your special spot turns out to be a survival mission 🔥😅🚀
Don’t be boring. Create the gossip you would like to hear.
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Spice it up or it never happened! 😜💥🕵️♀️
I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.
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Stretch goals… taken a bit too literally! 😂🧘♂️
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
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Finally, a place where cart collisions aren't the most intense sport! 🛒🤹♂️ #SpatialAwarenessSuperMarket
I bring a sort of “this isn’t actually urgent” vibe to the workplace that managers don’t like.
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Looks like you're the office master of chill vibes and delayed deadlines 😎🦥📅
Microsoft: Before you sign in, we need to send you a code. Also, Microsoft: OMG, was that you that requested a code? Also, Microsoft: OMG, someone just signed in to your account.
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Microsoft's paranoia level: Jedi Master 🧙♂️🔒🤖
As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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I know, right? My "Strangers Offering Free Drugs" punch card is still completely blank! 😅🍬🚫