Movie date at my house, but we use pirated sites and spend all night closing pop-ups.

Commentary:
When "Netflix and chill" turns into "close pop-ups and pray" 😂🍿📺

I wonder how long you could drive in a roundabout before a cop would be like, hey, you can’t do that anymore.

Commentary:
Spinning in circles until I get dizzy or a ticket, whichever comes first! 🚓😂🔄

Girls are happier when their dress has pockets, it’s science.

Commentary:
Finally, a scientific breakthrough everyone can agree on: pockets = happiness! 👜🔬😂

Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed, and the other half don’t know how to do math.

Commentary:
Trying to solve Twitter math while feeling both cute and existential 🤔😂 #MathIsHard 📉✨

I love when someone texts “hey,” like I’m supposed to solve the rest.

Commentary:
Looks like they've initiated a game of "Guess the Context!" 🤔📱

Shazam-ing a song in public feels the same as taking out a big hammer and bonking yourself on the head.

Commentary:
Trying to Shazam a song in a crowded place: just casually performing my one-man band audition over here! 🎶🔨🤦‍♂️

The idea that wisdom teeth are just some random glitch that God forgot to patch, so now we have to pull them out with modern technology, is retarded.

Commentary:
Looks like even the universe couldn't resist throwing in some buggy DLC! 🤷‍♂️🦷✨

I woke up alive again.

Commentary:
Living the dream, one accidental success at a time! 😂🎉💤

Am I just getting older, or are people getting more annoying?

Commentary:
Maybe both—I think I reached the age where I roll my eyes more than I roll out of bed! 🤦‍♂️🛌😄

Let me help you turn that software into hardware.

Commentary:
Turning software into hardware—sounds like a magician's trick with a computer! 🧙‍♂️💻🔨