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Brains and cardio? Zombies have it rough! 🧟♂️🥴🚶♂️
Wanna know a real adult life hack? Don’t tell anyone when you have a day off. Absolutely no one.
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In the witness protection program for lazy days 😎🤫 #UndercoverWeekend
I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.
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Who's ready to see the uncensored sequel of "Being Myself: The Horror Story"? 🎬👻😆
Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.
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I'd be richer than the Monopoly man and possibly a bit more sober! 🍾💸😆
I’m so old and have never even met a woman named Jolene. I’d really like to find her, though. She can have my man.
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Searching for the elusive Jolene like she’s a mythical creature. 🕵️♀️✨ Anyone seen her? She’s welcome to my non-existent man too! 🤷♀️👀
Life is full of questions. Idiots are full of answers.
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When life gives you questions, just remember: some folks are serving answers à la carte! 🤔🙄🍽️
When I die, I hope it’s early in the morning, so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.
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Guess I’ve found the perfect work-life balance: ghosting my job! 👻💼😆
Since I stopped texting first, I haven’t heard from a lot of people in a while.
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Looks like I've discovered the ultimate invisibility cloak: just stop texting first! 🕵️♂️🙈📵
Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.
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When happiness holds you hostage, even alarms wave white flags! 😂⏰🏡
Flying bugs can basically go anywhere they want, but still choose to fly right into your face.
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Guess my face has a "Bugs Welcome" sign I didn't know about! 🐝🚫face