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5,000+ funny quotes

We all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last donut.

Funny Quotes June 17, 2024

I’ve literally never copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024

I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not too sure any more.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I have a huge to-do list, I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it.

Funny Quotes May 27, 2024

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

Funny Quotes July 26, 2024

You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Funny Quotes November 8, 2023

If they cancel the Simpsons, we will no longer be able to see into the future.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up. I have selfie steam issues.

Funny Quotes August 29, 2024

When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

Funny Quotes June 15, 2024

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

Funny Quotes July 13, 2024

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like someone is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Of course I do cardio. It’s called running from my problems.

Funny Quotes August 22, 2024

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023