Reading Shakespeare for the first time is crazy because you go, “Oh, that’s where that comes from,” every other page.

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Any room can be a panic room if you just give me a second.

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My daughter says I’m making it up! Do you remember having to carry a quarter for the payphone, just in case?

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Porn actresses envy the look on my face when I clean my ear with a cotton bud.

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Oh, sorry, I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them.

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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

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It’s actually crazy we figured out how to grow real diamonds that are cheaper and better quality than the real thing, and so many people are still like, no thanks, the suffering is what makes it special.

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Might mess around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

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It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.

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December you will be good to me (threateningly).