Returning to Twitter is like coming back to a dysfunctional family.

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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

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Not gonna lie, the age I’m turning this year sounds a little serious, and I don’t like it.

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When I said I wanted to be held, I didn’t mean accountable.

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After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

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When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this place immediately.”

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I need to social distance with the refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

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If you feel fat and sad just know it’s someone out there fatter than you.

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I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

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Started from the bottom, now we a little bit above the bottom.

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Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.