Some days you’re the quick brown fox and other days you’re the lazy dog.

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No one is excited to see me in shorts except mosquitoes.

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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years.

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Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words. “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

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Shoutout to the friends that still like me. All two of you.

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When I’m president, everyone who listens to techno, house or rap will be allowed to drive a little faster than others.

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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch, or a vacation, or just going to work in general.