Tweeting with no audience feels like screaming jokes into a cornfield.

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Clueless but committed – that’s my vibe.

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With a lollipop in one hand and a dandelion in the other, concentration is very important, as every summer child knows.

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If your man cheats on you, dump him and date his dad, make him your step son.

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If you wish me a happy Thanksgiving, don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

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By 30, you should have settled down with an addiction that works for your lifestyle, no second guessing. You go to work, come home, and [addiction].

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Every squad has that person who has to go home early.

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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”