Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.

21 shares on Messenger this month:

I love how a film can be life-changing for one person and boring for another.

48 shares on Twitch this month:

I accidentally said “large” instead of “venti” at Starbucks and now the cops are here.

71 shares on Facebook this month:

Remember that even the worst haircut will eventually grow on you.

93 shares on Snapchat this month:

Nothing worse than realising you vented to the wrong person.

83 shares on WhatsApp this month:

It’s leg day. No, not at the gym, dummy. I’m shaving them.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

My biggest fear is waking up and being in the Renaissance era or something. Imagine having the knowledge of hot dogs but lacking the tools to make them.

23 shares on TikTok this month:

Shazam-ing a song in public feels the same as taking out a big hammer and bonking yourself on the head.

100 shares on Slack this month:

Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

20 shares on Threads this month:

I don’t mean to brag, but I can forget what I’m saying while I’m saying it.

58 shares on Messenger this month:

Apparently, all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep, which means he’s already a lot like me.