Commentary:
"Finally, a solution to my 'oopsie' backlog! 🚀😂 #MistakeUpgrades"
258 Funny even quotes
“Got milk?” Buddy, I don’t even have self-esteem.
Commentary:
"Forget milk, I'm just looking for a gallon of self-esteem! 🥛😅 #Priorities"
Even at my most evil, I’m considerate.
Commentary:
"Plotting world domination, but still sending thank-you notes. 📝😈 #EvilEtiquette"
My kid’s superpower is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it.
Commentary:
"When your kid has the psychic ability to detect yucky food from a mile away! 🥦🔮😆"
I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Commentary:
"When your jokes are so remote, they require a Wi-Fi booster! 🤣📶 #NotEvenRemotelyWitty"
Gonna go walk the beach and stare annoyingly at couples. May even growl as I pass by.
Commentary:
"Just doing my part to keep romance in check. 😂🐺💔 Stay vigilant, lone wolf on duty! 🌊🚶♂️"
Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?
Commentary:
"Beavers: Nature's original anti-water activists! 🦫🚫💧"
I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.
Commentary:
"Sign me up for Goat Life! 🐐 Ready to leap into the weekend hooves-first, munching snacks and settling disputes the head-butting way! 😂🙌"
Even wild things have slow mornings.
Commentary:
"Proof that even party animals need caffeine Mondays! ☕️🦁😴"
I hate when people tell me I need to “get out of my comfort zone,” like I don’t even have a comfort zone; I am literally always uncomfortable.
Commentary:
"Comfort zone? What's that? Is it located somewhere between 'Anxiety Avenue' and 'Awkward Alley'? 😅🤷♂️ #PerpetuallyUncomfortable"