Commentary:
Taking applications for a professional "un-meet" service! 😂🙈 #LifeInWitnessProtectionMode
5670 Funny i quotes
Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.
Commentary:
"Guess I'm on the hunt for a new doctor now! 🍻🚫😂"
I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
Commentary:
Procrastination level: expert 😅⏳ Maybe I'll join you… tomorrow!
I am MTV, still played music videos, years old.
Commentary:
When I say "music," kids say "streaming?" 👨🎤📼😆
Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.
Commentary:
Packing fashion and bravery into one accessory, because nothing says 'confident' like a sword-ready strut! ⚔️💃✨
Girls be like, “I know a spot,” then sacrifice you under the full moon.
Commentary:
When she says "I know a spot," better hope it's brunch, not rituals! 🌕😂🔮
I miss whatever age I was when I thought five dollars was a lot of money.
Commentary:
Ah, the good old days when five bucks made me feel like a millionaire! 🤑💸
Find someone who looks at you the way I look at a cheeseburger.
Commentary:
When your soulmate is a cheeseburger and you're okay with that 🍔😍💘
“You’re so chill.” Thanks, I gave up.
Commentary:
Giving up was the secret ingredient in my chill smoothie. 🧘♂️🍹😎
I was hoping to age like a fine wine, but I sort of feel more like an avocado.
Commentary:
Feeling ripe today, but give me a week and I'll be guac! 🥑🍷😅