163 funny next quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

The next man who speaks to me will be sacrificed to the gods for a bountiful harvest.

May 19, 2026

Hello, hi. Don’t invite me anywhere until next year. The money is finished. Regards.

May 19, 2026

At my next therapy session, I will be discussing the trauma I’ve been dealing with ever since the grocery store layout was altered.

May 19, 2026

Something very chic about crying while driving… have to keep it a little classy so you don’t crash… other drivers unaware a diva is down in the next lane over…

May 19, 2026

You relax for 15 minutes after work, and next thing you know, it’s 10 p.m.

May 19, 2026

I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

May 18, 2026

Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery.

May 18, 2026

My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am.

May 18, 2026

One day you’re young and fun, and the next you’re saying, “I wonder how old this tree is.”

May 18, 2026

(Seeing the guy next to me reading a novel) You know, none of that happened, right?

Apr 1, 2026

Telling the guy next to me on the subway that I’m not even ticklish, so don’t bother trying.

Apr 1, 2026

It’s crazy how drinking poison makes you feel like shit the next day.

Apr 1, 2026

Men absolutely love buying the same shirt in four almost identical colors and saying, ‘Yep, that’ll do me for the next three years.’

Apr 1, 2026

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

Apr 1, 2026

Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid.

Apr 1, 2026

I really miss kissing. I hope next year favors my lips.

Apr 1, 2026

There is too much happening for mid-December. Where are the canceled meetings? Why are we not circling back next year?

Apr 1, 2026

Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.

Apr 1, 2026

Is anyone else really scared for how stupid and illiterate the next generations are gonna be?

Apr 1, 2026

Yes, we absolutely can push our meeting to sometime after the new year, or mid-March, or the year after next, or never.

Apr 1, 2026

No, sorry, next week won’t work. I’ll be a shadow of what I once was.

Apr 1, 2026

Spotify Wrapped? Next year, maybe you should try to be in the top .05% of listeners to your girlfriend.

Apr 1, 2026

I run every day for 30 minutes. If I miss a day, I add 30 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.

Apr 1, 2026

I just be minding my business, and next thing you know, a payment is due.

Apr 1, 2026

“I’m at the age where, if I use the wrong pillow at night, it hurts to turn my head the next day.”

Apr 1, 2026

Paid my rent and slept in every room of my house this week, kitchen and laundry room next.

Mar 31, 2026

And for my next trick, I’m going to miss you in a million unspoken ways.

Mar 31, 2026

One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re excited about a new vacuum cleaner.

Mar 31, 2026

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off.

Mar 31, 2026

Adulting is difficult. One minute you’re proud of yourself, the next minute you feel like you’re not doing enough.

Mar 31, 2026

There’s no reason to be bored flying on an airplane. Use the time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.

Mar 31, 2026

I wonder if this next thunderstorm is thinking of me, too.

Mar 31, 2026

You did all that terrible driving just to end up right next to me at the stop light.

Mar 31, 2026

It’s never too early to be sad about having to work the next day.

Mar 31, 2026

And for my next trick, I’ll set your soul on fire.

Mar 31, 2026

Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

Mar 31, 2026

Next time I feel butterflies, I’m chugging down a bottle of tequila so they drown.

Mar 31, 2026

The next time someone texts me “we need to talk,” I’ll reply, “Yes, we really need to talk,” so that I won’t be the only one stressing.

Mar 31, 2026Mar 31, 2026

How am I supposed to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next.

Mar 31, 2026

Good morning to everyone except people who sit right next to you when there’s a whole room full of empty seats.

Mar 31, 2026