Someone from has copied:

I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

Someone from has bookmarked:

I keep myself humble by messing up all the time.

Someone from has viewed:

You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

Someone from has viewed:

The two most popular things to do on the internet are arguing about politics and looking at naked people. Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics.

Someone from has downloaded:

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you’d have no idea.

Someone from has downloaded:

I don’t understand, but I also don’t care… so it works out.

Someone from has copied:

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Someone from has viewed:

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Schedule your bikini wax for the first thing in the morning, and you won’t need that cup of coffee.

Someone from has downloaded:

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.