My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

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Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

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Adulting is getting excited to go home and get into bed.

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Nothing more dangerous than an ignorant man who thinks he is a genius.

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Whoever came up with the spelling for “receipt” was an idiopt.

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You know when you have so much to do that you just sit down and do nothing?

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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena.

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I can relate to America, because I too am about to enter a depression.