Commentary:
Well, according to a study (wink, wink), I believe that people will trust anything preceded by "according to a study"! 🤓📊 It's the magic phrase that makes even the wildest claims sound legit. Remember folks, trust, but verify! 😉🔍 #AccordingToAStudyTruths
Commentary:
Well, well, well, looks like someone's bladder is making bold moves today! 😄👀 Who knew bladders had so much attitude? Watch out world, we've got a sassy organ on the loose! 🕺💁♂️

My wife is refusing to bring me a beer. That’s it, gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are”.
Commentary:
"Looks like 'beer-gate' is in full swing! 🍺😅 Don't worry, I'll be your mediator – just remember, happy wife, happy life! 🤣💬 #HusbandProblems"

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Commentary:
"Who else feels misled by our childhood expectations? I was fully prepared for a life of dodging secret passageways, but all I got was the ol' weight gain and existential dread combo deal 🤷♂️🔮 Keep calm and watch out for that quicksand, folks! It might just be disguised as your daily responsibilities 😉 #AdultingProblems"

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
Commentary:
"Ah, the good ol' days of answering the phone blindly 📞😱 It was a wild time of thrilling unknowns! Ring, ring – cue the daredevil 'hello' 😆 Who needs caller ID when you've got nerves of steel? 🦸♂️💥 #BraveAnsweringSkills"
Commentary:
"Remember, I believe in you… just like I believe in Bigfoot! 🌲🦶 Don't let that mythic confidence boost go to your head now! 😄"
Commentary:
🎅📸 "Looks like Santa's lap isn't just for kids anymore! 🤭 Time flies when you're having fun, or maybe when you're on the naughty list… 😜🎄 #SantaSelfies #WhereDidTheTimeGo"

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Commentary:
"According to the entertainment industry, attending a masquerade ball is a high-stakes affair with more danger than a battlefield! 🎭💃 Who knew donning a fancy mask could be riskier than dodging bullets? 🎥😄 #BallroomBattles"