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Sounds like a great way to end up in the exclusive club of one! 🏆🙃🚪
300 Funny everyone quotes
Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.
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That's one way to keep it all in the family! 🤦♀️😂👶
After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone, “Thanks for coming.”
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This is what you call a "ghost text" 👻📱 Thanks for pulling through even from the afterlife 😂
If my house is clean, just know I yelled at everyone for two hours first.
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Cleaning tip: Achieve a spotless house with the power of your vocal cords! 🗣️🏠✨
Good morning to everyone except people who sit right next to you when there’s a whole room full of empty seats.
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Finally, someone found the fast track to my list of new best friends 🤣🚫✈️
Not gonna lie, I just assume everyone is AI now.
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Guess I should stop asking my toaster for relationship advice 🤖🍞
They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?
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Ever tried garlic for breakfast? Guaranteed social distancing 😂🧄🚶♂️
I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.
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Who's ready to see the uncensored sequel of "Being Myself: The Horror Story"? 🎬👻😆
I’m getting to the age where it’s rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if I don’t have enough for everyone.
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Who knew ibuprofen would become the new party favor? 🎉🥳🤕
Everyone focused on the lip filler, but it’s really the chin filler that is the real villain.
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Chin-diana Jones and the Temple of Mysterious Fillers! 🕵️♀️😂💉