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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇴🇲 has bookmarked:

Pretty sure I need to go back to bed and sleep for 3 days.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has bookmarked:

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become your problem.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has viewed:

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has shared:

After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has bookmarked:

Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

Robert De Niro always looks like he just smelled a nasty fart.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has downloaded:

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has copied:

God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has shared:

I’m like … if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has bookmarked:

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Jan 19, 2026

3,606

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Twitch:

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Reverse cowgirl so he doesn’t see the double chin.

Going viral on Twitch:

Do people still actually eat 3 meals a day, or do we all just survive off of stress and iced coffee?

Going bananas on WeChat:

Bone broth? Oh, you mean skeleton soup.

Broadcasted on Reddit:

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Seen just now on Twitch:

My retirement plan is time travel to the 80s.

Shared recently on Slack:

Me: I’m an introvert. Vodka: No, you’re not.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves parallel parking.

Making waves on Twitch:

After a quick review of my finances, everyone is going to have to be happy with a forehead kiss for Christmas.

Going viral on Twitch:

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

46 Funny new year quotes

Funny new year quotes are the perfect way to ring in the new year with a smile 😄 and a hearty laugh 😂! As we bid farewell to last year’s quirks and welcome new adventures 🎉, these witty sayings can add a sprinkle of humor to your celebrations. Whether you’re raising a glass 🥂 or making resolutions you’ll forget by February, these quotes will keep the mood light and fun. Here’s to a year of giggles and good times! 🥳

New funny new year quotes 👇

August is almost over. September is next week. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

6 hours ago

almost, August, Christmas, Christmas shopping, costume, Halloween, Halloween costume, happy, holiday, holiday planning, humor, management, new, new year, next, over, pick, planning, seasonal, seasonal humor, September, shopping, start, time, time management, week, year
January: the Monday of months.

2 weeks ago

beginning, calendar, comparison, humor, January, Monday, month, months, new, new year, time, week, year
January 1st always feels like a Sunday, regardless of what day it’s actually on.

2 weeks ago

1st, actually, always, calendar, date, day, day feeling, feeling, feels, funny observation, humor, January, January 1st, new, new year, observation, perception, Sunday, time, time perception, year
It’s funny how everyone who was all about Christmas a week ago is suddenly into New Year’s now.

2 weeks ago

ago, celebration, change, Christmas, everyone, Funny, holiday, humor, new, new year, seasonal, seasonal change, timing, tradition, week, year
My New Year’s resolution is to emit a powerful beam of light.

2 weeks ago

beam, goal, humor, light, new, new year, powerful, resolution, year
I’m only staying up until midnight on New Year’s to watch that bloody year die.

3 weeks ago

die, end, humor, midnight, new, new year, only, staying, staying up, watch, year, year-end
That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

3 weeks ago

awareness, Christmas, confusion, date, date confusion, day, day awareness, gap, holiday, new, new year, tell, time, time gap, week, year
We have now entered the void (25th December to 31st December).

4 weeks ago

31st, Christmas, countdown, date, December, end, end of year, holiday, humor, new, new year, period, time, time period, void, year
I don’t even want a new year this year. I’ll take a lightly used 2006, if it’s available.

1 month ago

2006, available, date, even, humor, i, new, new year, nostalgia, sarcasm, take, time, used, want, year
New year; new me. Just kidding. I’m already awesome.

1 month ago

awesome, confidence, humor, joke, just, kidding, me, motivation, new, new me, new year, self-esteem, year

For even more funny new year quotes, hit next 👇

All funny new year quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

71 shares on Reddit this month:

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart.

52 shares on X this month:

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

37 shares on Slack this month:

Relationship status: We have changed from “I love you” to “I love YouTube”.

90 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Without the words ‘literally’ and ‘like,’ I am nothing.

45 shares on Snapchat this month:

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

16 shares on Reddit this month:

Whenever I close an app and immediately open it back up, I really feel how dire it all is.

68 shares on Reddit this month:

I can’t keep up anymore. Happy birthday to everyone for the rest of your life.

21 shares on Discord this month:

I’m not saying I’m messy, but if Copperfield knew what I can make disappear, he’d be jealous.

77 shares on WeChat this month:

When I gain weight, I should get to designate where on my body it goes.

37 shares on X this month:

“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”

21 folks are currently checking 👀

He who laughs last didn’t get it.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Wish I came with subtitles because I mumble a lot.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

I’m no expert, but I don’t think the United Kingdom is very united.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

If she replies to your sarcasm with more sarcasm, that’s a whole life.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

“What’s your ETA?” do you ask the birds in the sky when they will arrive.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

17 folks are currently checking 👀

Still waiting for aliens to abduct me, which feels pretty rude considering I’ve been dressed and ready for years.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,631

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇾 has shared:

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has copied:

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has viewed:

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has shared:

I will never stop being a quitter!

Someone from 🇿🇦 has copied:

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has viewed:

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 10 maybe but not 3.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has downloaded:

Coworker: Where are you going after work? Me: Away from you.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has downloaded:

The art of staying somewhat sane in an insane world.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has shared:

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has bookmarked:

The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Instagram:

They say water is the source of life, which is true because you can’t make coffee without water.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

They should invent a type of sleeping where you wake up feeling rested.

Seen just now on Slack:

This too shall pass… It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

Going viral on Slack:

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

When I look at the world, I realize why Noah only took animals with him.

Spotted on Snapchat:

So I think the mammals have now ravaged this planet long enough. It’s time for the reptiles to take over again.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Congrats on hitting your Q3 numbers. Here’s an even bigger Q4 number that you’ll be fired for missing.

Just landed via Instagram:

Glad to be born at a time when I got to see what life was like before the internet, and will be dead before AI completely destroys humanity.

Just landed via YouTube:

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Just shared via X:

When you scream into your pillow, the memory foam never forgets.

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Made with ❤️ in Sydney ☀️🌴