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5,000+ funny quotes

My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

What are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness?

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

Horoscope: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Funny Quotes June 16, 2024

If I was a little smarter, I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Funny Quotes October 17, 2023

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

Funny Quotes September 30, 2023

Them: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long. Me: Yeah, that was on purpose.

Funny Quotes August 21, 2024

When someone tells me “They could care less”, instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less”, I always say “At least you care.”

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Funny Quotes September 9, 2024

Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

Funny Quotes October 16, 2024

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Funny Quotes September 9, 2024

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I’m so bored of being bored because being bored is really boring.

Funny Quotes September 23, 2023

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

Funny Quotes July 7, 2024