New funny quotes 👇

I have a lot to offer! Most of it’s bad, but it’s still a lot.

I have a lot to offer! Most of it’s bad, but it’s still a lot.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

Donating blood today to make room for more food.

Donating blood today to make room for more food.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. I don't know. Just seems weird. That’s like your coworker, dude.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. I don’t know. Just seems weird. That’s like your coworker, dude.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025