The hard part about dating is finding someone who’s mentally ill enough to understand you, but not mentally ill enough to ruin your life.

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Contrary to what we currently believe, we don’t choose afternoon naps. Afternoon naps choose us.

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College is literally just you, your laptop, and your water bottle against the world.

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No thank you, I only like men who have no interest in me.

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Someone taking your parking space at your own home is a different type of anger.

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If I was on Love Island, I would get wasted and drown in the pool, altering the course of every contestant’s life forever.

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I have had songs stuck in my head and I have had people stuck in my head, I highly recommend songs.

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My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet because I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

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Me: what can possibly go wrong though. Anxiety: I’m glad you asked.

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Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.