Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

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I wish more dumb people were shy.

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The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.

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I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.

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Coffee should be free for everyone Monday through Friday.

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The only exercise I done last month was running out of money.

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Men love to show you a YouTube video. It is a sign of deep respect in their culture.

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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

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I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

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“Tom Cruise does his own stunts!” Okay cool, but so do I.

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At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.