79 funny asked quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

May 25, 2026

If I was in Jaws, instead of wishing for a bigger boat, I probably would have just asked for a smaller shark.

May 25, 2026

Another Monday that no one asked for.

May 25, 2026

I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no.

May 25, 2026

Someone asked me what my hobby was and I realized that my favorite hobby is doing absolutely nothing.

May 24, 2026

My friend’s kid asked me if I had any games on phone so I let her text my ex.

May 24, 2026

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

May 24, 2026

We always asked “where is Waldo” but never “who is Waldo hiding from”.

May 24, 2026

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

May 24, 2026

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my sandwich maker.

May 24, 2026

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

May 23, 2026

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes was not the right answer.

May 23, 2026

I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.

May 23, 2026

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

May 23, 2026

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

May 23, 2026

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

May 23, 2026

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

May 23, 2026

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

May 23, 2026

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

May 23, 2026

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”.

May 23, 2026

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

May 23, 2026

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due, I would say “What do you mean?”

May 23, 2026

Wife asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe…

May 22, 2026

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

May 22, 2026

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee.

May 22, 2026

The difference between coffee and your opinion is that I asked for coffee.

May 22, 2026

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

May 22, 2026

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

May 22, 2026

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

May 22, 2026

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks, I had lunch yesterday.”

May 22, 2026

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

May 22, 2026

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

May 22, 2026

I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

May 20, 2026

Someone asked, “Can I bum a scroll?” because they deleted Instagram off their phone.

May 20, 2026

At the airport, and a wife asked her husband, “Where are our seats?” and he responds, “In the airplane.”

May 19, 2026

I once quit a job, and when my boss asked why, I simply said, “I hate it here.” Best day of my life.

May 19, 2026

Was in a bookshop and asked a worker if he could recommend books to me. He said, ‘Sure, they’re great.’

May 19, 2026

Asked a German woman why Germany produced so many legendary physicists / mathematicians, and her response was basically, “Have you considered educating people who aren’t rich?”

May 19, 2026