5560 funny i quotes - Page 23 - Wordgag

Why is smoking the only addiction jobs give you breaks to do? I should get 15 minutes every hour to cook up some parlays.

May 28, 2026

Am I the only person who hates spending the night at someone’s place? Like, we can hang out until 3 a.m., but I’m still going home.

May 28, 2026

My child has entered the “Why?” stage of linguistic development, and I’ve realized I know absolutely nothing.

May 28, 2026

How do I get one of those fake corporate jobs where I work remotely, get paid for responding to one email a day, and have a laptop on with Outlook or whatever open?

May 28, 2026

I’m sorry I mistook all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts, and inside jokes as you caring. I’ll think twice before wasting my time again.

May 28, 2026

I’m going to start reading books again, as soon as I finish the internet.

May 28, 2026

Sorry, I said yippee when you took off your pants. Do you still think I’m hot?

May 28, 2026

Can y’all just post your therapist’s advice in the comments so I don’t have to go?

May 28, 2026

Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

May 28, 2026

The thing I can’t get over about Love Island is they’re only allowed 2 drinks a night, like they’re all just acting like that.

May 28, 2026

I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

May 28, 2026

I hate when I change the battery in the bathroom scale, and it starts telling the truth again.

May 28, 2026

Why go to the art museum when I can just stare at you?

May 28, 2026

Every time I wanna quit, I remember horses don’t stop.

May 28, 2026

I like to minimize the disappointment by being myself right from the start.

May 28, 2026

I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”

May 28, 2026

I wonder how long you could drive in a roundabout before a cop would be like, hey, you can’t do that anymore.

May 28, 2026

I love when someone texts “hey,” like I’m supposed to solve the rest.

May 28, 2026

I woke up alive again.

May 28, 2026

Am I just getting older, or are people getting more annoying?

May 28, 2026

I wonder if this next thunderstorm is thinking of me, too.

May 28, 2026

I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.

May 28, 2026

I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news.

May 28, 2026

If I was on Love Island, I would get wasted and drown in the pool, altering the course of every contestant’s life forever.

May 28, 2026

I just went to Crazy Town, and they said you’re a local legend.

May 28, 2026May 28, 2026

Ever since I was little, I always knew I wanted to retire.

May 28, 2026

Sometimes I clean my room so dramatically, it feels like I’m erasing evidence.

May 28, 2026

My wife and I are going to quit our jobs and travel until we run out of money. I estimate we’ll be home around 9 p.m. tonight.

May 28, 2026

I enjoy long, romantic walks … to the departure gate.

May 28, 2026

I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.

May 28, 2026

Cleaning the kitchen, but saw the laundry, so I watered a plant, and now I’m making a dentist appointment.

May 28, 2026

I love icebreakers. They really give me time to anxiously reflect on what the most fun fact about me is, while I don’t listen to anyone else at all.

May 28, 2026

Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

May 28, 2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I think people who say ‘I don’t know who needs to hear this’ know exactly who needed to hear it.

May 28, 2026

I like people who make eye contact like they know something I don’t.

May 28, 2026

Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

May 28, 2026

Airplanes are so weird because how does a giant metal box stay in the air like that, and why am I craving tomato juice?

May 28, 2026

Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

May 28, 2026

Annoyed because I want to live my life without a job.

May 28, 2026

I wonder how many calories I can burn petting my cat.

May 28, 2026