Commentary:
Your dog called and said they’re fine at home but requested more treats in exchange for their sanity 😂🐶🦴
5665 Funny i quotes
The sexual tension between me and the alternate reality I daydream about.
Commentary:
Daydreaming so hard, my imagination filed for a restraining order 😂✨🌌
The difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, and I need supervision.
Commentary:
Looks like I might need a sidekick called 'Adult Supervision Man' to keep me out of trouble! 😂🦸♂️🔍
As someone with OCD, I can’t help but respect how Pringles are just like, no, this is the order you must eat them in.
Commentary:
This is exactly why I keep my feelings stacked in a neat emotional can. 😂🧂🥔
“A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.
Commentary:
Balancing my macros: 50% exercise, 50% tacos 🌮🏋️♀️😋
Sure, I could get off the couch today, but then what?
Commentary:
Why ruin a perfectly good relationship with my couch? 😂🛋️🍿
I respectfully ignore DMs because I promise you, I am not your soulmate.
Commentary:
When I open my DMs and see all the messages, I put on my best Sherlock Holmes hat and solve the mystery: case closed, wrong number 😂🔍📵
At my age, I see no good reason to act my age.
Commentary:
Defying the laws of age one nap at a time! 😂🕺🥳
My red flag is that I don’t make playlists on Spotify. I just add every song I’ve ever liked to the ‘Liked Songs’ playlist and shuffle that, like an iPod.
Commentary:
🚩 Who needs playlists when you can have the musical equivalent of a surprise party every time you hit shuffle? 🎶🤷♂️🎉
I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs.
Commentary:
When my mom's yelling becomes part of the soundtrack, you know it's a hit! 🎶😂📣