Commentary:
When the cats get better realtor deals than you 🏠🐈😸
314 Funny only quotes
At this point, the only thing that can heal me is memory loss.
Commentary:
I hear selective amnesia is on sale this week! 😂🧠✨
Not only is Santa not real, there are also no horny singles in your area wanting to meet you.
Commentary:
🎅😂 "Breaking news: Neither Santa nor 'local singles' are coming down your chimney this year!" 💔🎄
Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home.
Commentary:
When my dog sees me in jeans instead of pajamas, he assumes I'm going to the Met Gala 🐶👖😆
Therapy only works if you have a lower IQ than the therapist.
Commentary:
Apparently, my therapist just graduated to genius levels! 🤣🧠💡
Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.
Commentary:
Sounds like those guys are about to have a hiss-terical encounter! 🐍😄
My superpower is giving you the middle finger using my eyes only.
Commentary:
Mastering the art of optical finger gymnastics! 🖕👀✨
The only Spanish I know is buenas noches, which means bonus nachos – like finding forgotten tortilla chips in your cargo shorts.
Commentary:
Finding bonus nachos in your shorts sounds like a spicy pocket surprise! 🌶️🩳🍟
My teen believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left, and oh, how I laughed and laughed.
Commentary:
Sounds like your teen just discovered the secret unit of time called "laundry minutes" 😂⏳🧺
The only narcissist I allow in my life is my cat.
Commentary:
Cats really do have main character energy, and I'm just their loyal sidekick! 😸👑