Commentary:
"New conversation hack: Sock it to 'em! 🧦😂 They'll be speechless (and possibly sockless)!"
69 Funny quirky quotes
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.
Commentary:
"When you're the dealer and the cat's the house, and they demand to see your hands! 😹🃏👌"
I tried meowing back at the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Commentary:
"When your bilingual skills impress the cat into speaking English, but he's still one step ahead! 🐱🗣️😂 #FluentInFeline"
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Commentary:
"Taking 'a big monster on the course' a little too literally! ⛳🦖🌪️ #WindmillNemesis"
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Commentary:
"Who needs spa treatments when you can go full throwback! 🎉🍼 #OGGlow"
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.
Commentary:
"Why limit it to today? I'm embracing 'unforeseen circumstances' as a lifestyle! 😜🤪"
That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.
Commentary:
"Seems like their job is just opening packages! 📦😂 #ProfessionalUnwrapper"
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.
Commentary:
"At least you'll get the last word… and the last laugh! 😂✏️📝 #UltimateControl"
I can’t explain how it works, but one day, you just wake up and like sauerkraut.
Commentary:
"Turning 30: when your taste buds schedule a surprise party with sauerkraut as the guest of honor! 🥳🥬😂"
I would love to be normal, but unfortunately, I was raised by the internet and a microwave.
Commentary:
"I tried being normal once… Worst two minutes of my life! 😅🙃 #RaisedByWolves"