90 funny shit quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

I’m going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends.

May 24, 2026

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this place immediately.”

May 23, 2026

Wow, this person is full of shit. Oh, I’m on my own page.

May 23, 2026

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

May 23, 2026

Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.

May 23, 2026

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

May 23, 2026

Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.

May 23, 2026

Bands are always like “here’s another song”. Yeah, no shit, that’s pretty much all you do.

May 23, 2026

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

May 23, 2026

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

May 23, 2026

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

May 23, 2026

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

May 23, 2026

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

May 22, 2026

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

May 22, 2026

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they can’t understand.

May 22, 2026

I want to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand.

May 22, 2026

Actually, this email could’ve been a meeting. We could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. Someone could’ve brought bagels.

May 22, 2026

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

May 22, 2026

Why is incognito mode always associated with freaky shit? I use it to search up very obvious questions, so there’s no record of me looking dumb.

May 22, 2026

People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.

May 22, 2026

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

May 22, 2026

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

May 22, 2026

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

May 22, 2026

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

May 22, 2026

“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.

May 22, 2026

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor.

May 21, 2026

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

May 21, 2026

Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.

May 21, 2026May 21, 2026

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late.

May 21, 2026

I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.

May 21, 2026

Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

May 21, 2026

I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.

May 21, 2026

Some people post such depressing love shit that I start to miss their exes myself!

May 21, 2026

Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.

May 21, 2026

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

May 21, 2026

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

May 20, 2026

Does anyone know if there’s a career in being a piece of shit?

May 20, 2026

If I were a bird, you’d be the first person I’d shit on.

May 20, 2026

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it. Everything about it is shit.

May 20, 2026

I want to make fun of Kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.

May 20, 2026