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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇦🇲 has viewed:

How do I get my glasses prescription placed in my windshield?

Someone from 🇷🇸 has viewed:

Started from the bottom, now we a little bit above the bottom.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has bookmarked:

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while I chew. You make an excellent point, food.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has viewed:

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has bookmarked:

If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has copied:

I drink my coffee black because I like to save my calories for alcohol.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has copied:

I love how “sleeping in” used to mean noon, and now it means 8:30 a.m.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has copied:

US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history?

Someone from 🇲🇳 has shared:

The man who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Pinterest:

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having, I’m hear to ‘like’ them.

Just shared via X:

I’ve left my past behind me, so if I owe you money, sorry, I’ve left it behind me.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

You can fake an American accent all you want, but “literally” will expose you.

Just shared via Twitch:

Having a job is cool, but everyday? Come on!

Just shared via X:

Kid, I have jeans older than you.

Going viral on Messenger:

This site could use some more people who like to argue about literally anything.

Going viral on Discord:

My stomach just made the exact sound of the “your” in “your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system.”

Shared recently on WeChat:

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello.” My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.

Breaking via Slack:

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch.

I miss being a kid. Nobody asks what my favorite dinosaur is anymore.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
Ah, the days when our greatest existential question was T-Rex or Triceratops 😂🦖🦕

age, being, childhood, childhood memory, dinosaur, favorite, fun, humor, i, kid, memory, miss, nobody, nostalgia

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15 shares on Snapchat this month:

This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

12 shares on WeChat this month:

I love going “Streets are saying” before I say something I literally just made up.

79 shares on Twitch this month:

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

64 shares on Messenger this month:

At this point, I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!

17 shares on Pinterest this month:

One minute you’re young and wild, the next minute you’re into air fryers.

97 shares on Twitch this month:

I miss when you could touch a TV and feel its fur.

73 shares on Telegram this month:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public, everyone around you hates you.

68 shares on Telegram this month:

I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.

52 shares on Instagram this month:

My teenager has really expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy their own toothpaste.

34 shares on YouTube this month:

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has downloaded:

The female brain works like the internet. You can delete something, but it’s never really gone.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has bookmarked:

First date idea: you bring me coffee in bed, and we snuggle all morning.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has shared:

Sorry for acting weird. It’s just that I mirror people, and you were being weird first.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

My life is ruined. I wish to live no more. Never mind, I found the remote.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has copied:

You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has viewed:

Need to become a tour guide. I’ve just realized it’s the only job I can think of that combines my loves of walking around and knowing more than everyone around me.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has shared:

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has bookmarked:

I think my soulmate might be carbs.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

Did we do it, did we save the daylight?

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

“I bought this while depressed” should be an acceptable reason to get a full refund on a return.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Telegram:

This Monday could have been an email.

Going bananas on Reddit:

Socialism is like polio, it comes back when people forget about the horrible damage it did last time.

Going viral on X:

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

Trending via Reddit:

If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s being annoyed by stupidity.

Just landed via Slack:

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Just landed via X:

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Going viral on Instagram:

I hate when people are like “you are so nice”. I’m ugly, I have no other choice.

Going bananas on Messenger:

I’m at the stage in life where I stay out of arguments. Even if you say 1+1=5, you’re right. Have fun.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Going bananas on TikTok:

People that never want to leave the house unite! Separately at our own homes.

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Activity Log ✨

I miss being a kid. Nobody asks what my favorite dinosaur is anymore.

Some people shop for designer heels. I shop for nonstop flight deals.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

This whole “having a job” thing is really getting in the way of me having my best life.

Look, babe, I’m sorry. If your fake British accent keeps being this geographically inconsistent, I’m going to have to cancel the medieval roleplay sex.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.

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Activity Log ✨

I miss being a kid. Nobody asks what my favorite dinosaur is anymore.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Some people shop for designer heels. I shop for nonstop flight deals.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

This whole “having a job” thing is really getting in the way of me having my best life.

Look, babe, I’m sorry. If your fake British accent keeps being this geographically inconsistent, I’m going to have to cancel the medieval roleplay sex.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.

There are 8 billion people in the world and I only have 3 friends, and one is annoying.

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