Just found out my asexual friend was only using me for my companionship.

40 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m sorry your man wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.

66 shares on Snapchat this month:

Old and bitter feels much better than I thought it would.

45 shares on Twitch this month:

My advice to kids in kindergarten is to start saving all the money.

37 shares on LinkedIn this month:

When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts.

15 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’d be nice if my bank account filled up as quickly as my laundry basket.

67 shares on Snapchat this month:

If you are influenced by influencers, you’re beyond retarded.

38 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Writing is so fun because you get to google things like “woman names”.

92 shares on Telegram this month:

If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

100 shares on Facebook this month:

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

59 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Sometimes people come into your life — and they need to stop doing that.