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5,000+ funny quotes

My employer is totally caring. They pay so poorly that I can’t afford to have an alcohol or drug problem.

Funny Quotes June 1, 2024

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football line-ups on and off for 8 hours.

Funny Quotes September 25, 2024

You’re an atheist? Well, I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Funny Quotes October 3, 2023

Yes, liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Funny Quotes September 28, 2023

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

Most venomous snakes just make “Tsssss”. But I know some that say “Hi”.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2024

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Funny Quotes October 20, 2023

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Funny Quotes July 11, 2024

I just need to get over everything that has happened to me in my entire life and then we can hang out.

Funny Quotes September 24, 2023

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Funny Quotes September 11, 2024

The real reason for global warming is that today’s young people are nowhere near as cool as we were back then.

Funny Quotes July 19, 2024

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down.

Funny Quotes August 31, 2024

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

The season is back when women are 80% scarf.

Funny Quotes October 18, 2023