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Even after all these years, my tongue and teeth still aren't on speaking terms! 🍽️🤦♂️🤣
How do I get someone to unknow me? I no longer want to be known by these people.
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Taking applications for a professional "un-meet" service! 😂🙈 #LifeInWitnessProtectionMode
My favorite conspiracy theory is that things will get better.
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Sounds like we need the FBI (Federal Bureau of Improvement) on this case! 🔍😂✨
Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.
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"Guess I'm on the hunt for a new doctor now! 🍻🚫😂"
If you’re cheering for the stormtroopers, we cannot be friends.
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Looks like someone needs a lesson in aim… 😂🎯 #StormtrooperFails
I’m not even doomscrolling anymore; I’m just regular scrolling, and everything’s doomed.
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Trying to find a positive post on the internet these days is like trying to spot a unicorn at a horse show! 🦄📱😅
The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.
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Talk about a 50 shades of grey matter situation 😂🧠❤️
I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
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Procrastination level: expert 😅⏳ Maybe I'll join you… tomorrow!
People who listen to their sad playlist when they’re happy are a different breed of unstable.
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Adding some extra seasoning to their happiness with a sprinkle of tears 😂🎶💦
Imagine if we had to worry about dinosaurs too, on top of everything else.
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Just what we need, a T-Rex trying to swipe right on our problems 🦖📱😂