A big part of my job as a parent is moving things away from the edges of countertops.

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These days, you gotta have a job for the bills and another job for yourself.

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Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

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Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare.

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LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

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I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

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The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

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Weight gain makes me sad. Luckily, eating cheers me right back up.

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It’s actually quite simple: I don’t want to eat less, I just want to weigh less.

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I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.