395 Funny family quotes — Wordgag ツ

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

6 hours ago6 hours ago

In the 80s, you could literally shrink your kids with a shrink-ray, and your wife wouldn’t divorce you. I’m pretty sure I saw a documentary film about it.

1 week ago1 week ago

I love spending my parents’ money, they must pay for bringing me into this world.

2 weeks ago2 weeks ago

In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from.

2 weeks ago2 weeks ago

Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

2 weeks ago2 weeks ago

My family passed down mood swings and anxiety instead of money or houses.

3 weeks ago3 weeks ago

Moms be like, “I needed this,” and it’s really just a break from being the one who holds it all together every single day.

3 weeks ago3 weeks ago

My favorite part of parenting is when the kids are bored enough to entertain themselves, but getting to that point is excruciating.

4 weeks ago4 weeks ago

Telling my parents they’re like family to me.

4 weeks ago4 weeks ago

My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

1 month ago1 month ago

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

1 month ago1 month ago

The words I can’t wait to hear someday, “I’m sorry, Mom, you were right about everything.”

1 month ago1 month ago

(To my coworker that’s a year younger than me) You’re like a son to me.

1 month ago1 month ago

You will see blonder children than you would ever think possible at expensive ice cream parlours.

1 month ago1 month ago

I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight.

2 months ago2 months ago

Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

2 months ago2 months ago

This family has a lot of nerve wearing all these clothes after I just did laundry.

2 months ago2 months ago

My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

2 months ago2 months ago

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

2 months ago2 months ago

I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs.

2 months ago2 months ago