164 Funny ID quotes

• This year I’d like an advent calendar with 24 different tranquilizers.

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  3 weeks ago

  advent, advent calendar, calendar, cheer, different, gift, gift idea, holiday, holiday cheer, humor, ID, idea, list, relaxation, relief, stress, stress relief, tranquilizer, wish, wish list, year

• If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

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  3 weeks ago

  asteroid, back, bruce, Bruce Willis, fiction, humor, i, ID, irony, movie, movie reference, reference, saving, science, science fiction, stop, time, time travel, travel, willis

• If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

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  3 weeks ago

  animals, creation, everyone, existential, God, humor, i, ID, know, tell, unknown

• If I was a little smarter, I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

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  3 weeks ago

  am, awareness, humor, i, ID, intelligence, irony, little, self-reflection, smart, stupid

• If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

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  3 weeks ago

  every, head, humor, i, ID, observation, reaction, sarcasm, shaking, shaking head, stupid, stupid thing, thing, whiplash

• Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

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  3 weeks ago

  doctor, good, guess, hear, humor, ID, just, medical, mine, say, uncertainty

• I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

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  3 weeks ago

  canceling, commitment, different, different person, expectations, humor, i, ID, last, person, plans, procrastination, self-improvement, sorry, week

• The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

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  3 weeks ago

  afterlife, complain, heaven, humor, ID, manager, reason, sarcasm, want

• I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

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  3 weeks ago

  absurdity, bicycle, bicycle horn, cacophony, clown, having, horn, humor, ID, imagination, imagine, just, sex, sound

• Enemies to lovers is only good if they’re gay. If I wanted to see a man and a woman yell at each other, I’d just go downstairs and eat with my parents.

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  3 weeks ago

  dinner, downstairs, eat, enemies, enemies to lovers, family, family dinner, gay, good, humor, i, ID, just, lovers, man, only, parents, relationship, stereotype, wanted, woman, yell

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