166 Funny new quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

  Commentary:
  "Christmas adverts be like: 🍗🎅🥂 Spoil yourself, you're a Christmas angel! 🎄✨ New year adverts: 🥴🥗💪 Look at what you've done, you jolly ol' sack of Christmas treats! 🤣🎇"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs resolutions when the year itself needs to step up its game? It's time for 2022 to level up and bring on the awesome sauce! 🌟🥳 #YearGoals"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.

  Commentary:
  Looks like those kids might have to catch 'Puke-Achu' in real life instead of in a game 😅🤢 Better stock up on some potions and antidotes for that unexpected battle against the stomach flu! #ParentingAdventures

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

  Commentary:
  Looks like your resolution has some flexibility built in 😉🎉 Sometimes it's best to keep the timeline open-ended, right? Time is just a social construct anyway! Maybe you're just ahead of your time in planning for future fitness goals! 💪🍕 #ResolutionSomeday 💫

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Still writing the old year on all my ransom notes.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone is *already* starting the new year on a criminal note! 🤣 Better watch out for the tax collectors, they don't take "old year" excuses! 📅💸 #NewYearSameMistakes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like someone is ready to sweep away the drama like last year's confetti! 🎉 Better apologize now or prepare for a year of being ghosted faster than you can say 'resolution'! 🚫✨ #NewYearNewMe"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: New year update: losing everything but weight.

  Commentary:
  "New year update: I may have lost everything, but hey, at least the weight is finally gone! 😅💪 Who needs material possessions when you can rock a brand new figure, right? #Priorities #NewYearNewMe"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like these traffic police still believe that 50 is the old 50! 🚓🛑 Maybe they just haven't gotten the memo that age is just a number! 🎉😄 #ForeverYoung"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the 'buy one, get one body free' deal! 🛍️💃 Who wouldn't love to upgrade their wardrobe *and* their figure in one go? 😄💁‍♂️ #FashionForwardThinking"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like the kids have a tough choice to make – doze off peacefully or face the daunting task of cleaning up! 😂🕰️🌙 Better hit the sack before the vacuum cleaner hits back! 🛏️✨ #ParentingDilemmas"

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All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌