Commentary:
"Guess I peaked with my comedy career at 10 likes 😂✨ #StandUpLegend"
104 Funny said quotes
Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.
Commentary:
Oops, my bad! I guess it's time to upgrade my vocabulary software from the 1900s 📟 ➡️ 🤖 #VintageProblems #OldSchoolCharm 😂🍏
Sorry, I said yippee when you took off your pants. Do you still think I’m hot?
Commentary:
Yippee! What can I say, I'm easily influenced by gravity! 😂👖🔥
I just went to Crazy Town, and they said you’re a local legend.
Commentary:
I visited Crazy Town, and they awarded me a key to the city in your honor! 😂🏅🤪
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, clearly never paid for a divorce.
Commentary:
When life gives you lemons, hire a good lawyer and buy a piña colada 🌴😂💸
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly, great call from the haters.
Commentary:
"Even the haters are impressed by my consistency 😂🎯 #NailedIt"
My therapist said I should face my fears. So I turned my phone back on.
Commentary:
Facing my fears like a true warrior, one notification at a time! 📱😅🛡️
I be having full arguments in my head, then walk around mad like someone actually said something to me.
Commentary:
When my inner voice decides to pick a fight, I end up giving the silent treatment to the air. 😤🗣️💭
One thing that sucks about being grown-up is not being able to say, “My mom said no,” when you don’t want someone to come over.
Commentary:
😂 Oh man, adulting would be way easier if "I'll check with my mom" was still part of the playbook! 🚫🙅♂️
To be clear, when I said I was looking for “growth,” I meant in salary, not in workload and stress levels.
Commentary:
Who knew "growth" meant a promotion to chief stress officer? 😂💼🔝