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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇲 has bookmarked:

Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travelers, are you dumb?

Someone from 🇸🇻 has downloaded:

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has bookmarked:

Sorry for having no idea what the hell I am doing. It will happen again.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has shared:

Brains are funny. I can remember every word to a song I haven’t heard in 20 years, but I’ve got no clue what my email password is.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

People who talk about fruit having too much sugar scare me so bad. Please get back, you wicked witch!

Someone from 🇩🇴 has shared:

Does your blood pump that way just for me?

Someone from 🇧🇦 has copied:

My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the school book fair.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2382 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,544

Funny Quotes Topics

15,227

Funny Quotes Images

12,544

7 hours ago

3,436

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Discord:

People will make you sad but cheese will always make you happy. The choice is simple.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

Broadcasted on TikTok:

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. I don’t know. Just seems weird. That’s like your coworker, dude.

Going viral on Reddit:

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said.

Making waves on Messenger:

Every time I watch “The Godfather”, I notice some new detail (they’re Italian???).

Just landed via X:

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions, doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Making waves on Pinterest:

My only addiction is coffee, which is just like crack but is legal and tastes good.

Spotted on Slack:

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito; I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch.

Home » Funny Today Quotes » Page 23

227 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

Jan 20, 2025
Share →: Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

Commentary:
"Who knew the Ancient Egyptians were trendsetters for online cat videos and social media rants? 🐱🖥️ Let's be honest, cats and walls have always been prime real estate for expression, whether it's hieroglyphics or memes!"
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today.

Commentary:
🌅 Faced with the toughest decision of the day: to live or not to live? That is the question! 😴 Who knew that ceiling could be so captivating, right? Maybe a little pep talk is in order to kickstart the day! 💪☕ #MorningStruggles #JustFiveMoreMinutes
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

Commentary:
"Breaking news: Doughnut deprived of its bling! 🍩😱 Who knew dieting could be so cruel? Stay strong, sprinkle-less warrior! 💪 #DoughnutDrama"
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

Commentary:
"Being awesome is a full-time job, and yesterday's shift really wore me out! 😅💪 Today, I might just settle for 'slightly above average' and call it a win. #AwesomeStruggles"
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.

Commentary:
"Who needs adulting when you can just be a carefree pup soaking up the sun and receiving snacks on demand? 🐶☀️ Don't worry, I'll bring the snacks as long as you promise belly rubs in return! #DogLifeGoals"
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Commentary:
Looks like the teen drama is hitting its peak! 👚🧼 Who knew clean clothes could cause such chaos? 🤷‍♂️ Next up, will folding socks be considered a hate crime? Stay tuned for more laundry shenanigans! 🧦😆 #TeenAngstLaundryDay
Jan 20, 2025
Share →: I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

Commentary:
"Sounds like you've mastered the art of tiredness – retired today, re-tired tomorrow! 😂💤"

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2382 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,544

Funny Quotes Topics

15,227

Funny Quotes Images

12,544

7 hours ago

3,442

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇯🇴 has copied:

The art of today’s art is to persuade people that it’s art.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

Instead of renting an apartment, I’m going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has bookmarked:

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has downloaded:

Note: Press the button on the elevator as often as possible to activate the secret express function and speed up the thing.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has downloaded:

I don’t hold grudges. I just remember facts very aggressively.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has copied:

Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has copied:

It’s truly insane when bosses assume their employees are working for any reason other than a paycheck.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has bookmarked:

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has copied:

Texting a man first feels like I’m on my hands and knees begging him to talk to me.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on WhatsApp:

If I’m too much for you, then go and find less.

Trending via LinkedIn:

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Shared recently on Facebook:

All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

Just shared via Threads:

Men be like “I would do anything for you,” and then do nothing.

Just shared via Telegram:

They should invent a good thing that happens.

Seen just now on Discord:

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago.

Just landed via TikTok:

Bro, did you really just mix up e.g. and i.e. in front of the hoes?

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Standing like a flamingo at my kitchen counter eating watermelon is such a vibe.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here.

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