95 funny told quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Told my homie I was “going through it” and he just said “go around it”.

May 26, 2026

My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

May 26, 2026

I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

May 25, 2026

Told my girl I’m tired of her dramas and she bought me an energy drink.

May 25, 2026

I am just a man, a man who told a woman to calm down, so I guess this is goodbye.

May 25, 2026

In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

May 25, 2026

My life coach told me I didn’t make the team.

May 25, 2026

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

May 25, 2026

God: “I told you to love thy neighbor – not start trade wars with them.”

May 25, 2026

Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.

May 25, 2026

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

May 25, 2026

No one told me adulting would involve trying to avoid so many scams.

May 24, 2026

Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.

May 24, 2026

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

May 24, 2026

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

May 24, 2026

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

May 24, 2026

I know you miss me. The tarot lady on TikTok just told me.

May 24, 2026

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been told I’m micro-management material.

May 24, 2026

I told the trees what you did. Be wary when you enter the forest next.

May 24, 2026

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”: “This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

May 23, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

May 23, 2026

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

May 23, 2026

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

May 23, 2026

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

May 23, 2026

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

May 22, 2026

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

May 22, 2026

If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.

May 22, 2026

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

May 22, 2026

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

May 22, 2026

“We told you to stop at 2012!” – The Mayans

May 22, 2026

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

May 22, 2026

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

May 22, 2026

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

May 22, 2026

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

May 22, 2026

Not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever, I’d probably give it my best shot.

May 22, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

May 22, 2026

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

May 22, 2026