95 funny told quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Just told my cat I’d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

May 18, 2026

My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

May 18, 2026

I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better.

May 18, 2026

Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.

May 18, 2026

My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.

Apr 2, 2026

The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.

Apr 1, 2026

My parents told me Santa wasn’t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because I’m at the mall right now, and guess who’s here.

Apr 1, 2026

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

Apr 1, 2026

I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

Apr 1, 2026

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

Apr 1, 2026

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

Apr 1, 2026

Can’t believe I spent so many years of my life asking teachers if I was allowed to use the bathroom, and sometimes be told no. What the hell?

Apr 1, 2026

The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

Mar 31, 2026

If she forgives you, then 30 minutes later comes back mad again: that means she told her friends in her group chat, and the board of directors did not agree.

Mar 31, 2026

The dumbest person you know is being told, “You’re absolutely right!” by ChatGPT.

Mar 31, 2026

I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Mar 31, 2026

The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

Mar 31, 2026

Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

Mar 31, 2026

Anyone who thinks being a pessimist isn’t any fun fails to appreciate the joy of saying, ‘I told you so.’

Mar 31, 2026

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Mar 31, 2026

So I got a call from a telemarketer, and he said he couldn’t understand me. I told him, “Press 1 for English.”

Mar 30, 2026

No one told me adulthood would require this much multi-factor authentication.

Mar 30, 2026

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Mar 30, 2026

My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

Mar 30, 2026

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Mar 30, 2026

I’ve been blocked, unfollowed, and unfriended, but I’ve never been told I’m bad in bed.

Mar 30, 2026

Odd—my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation.

Mar 30, 2026

I told my GPS I needed direction in life, and now it insists on recalculating every hour.

Mar 30, 2026

I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on vacation this year; now it’s dead inside and I’m left with emotional baggage.

Mar 30, 2026

Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.

Mar 30, 2026

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Mar 30, 2026

Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

Mar 30, 2026

I told ChatGPT about us.

Mar 30, 2026

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing?

Mar 30, 2026

Someone told me I wasn’t thinking clearly, as if that’s even an option.

Mar 30, 2026

Whoever told you there’s no such thing as a stupid question lied.

Mar 30, 2026

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Mar 29, 2026

Told my homie I was “going through it” and he just said “go around it”.

Mar 29, 2026

My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

Mar 29, 2026

I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

Mar 28, 2026