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Funny Quotes Data ๐Ÿค“

New funny quotes: 8317 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

17,813 funny quotes topics

Updated: May 24, 2026

 

 

 

 

95 Funny told quotes

Funny told quotes have a magical way of turning any frown upside down ๐Ÿ˜‚. These witty one-liners and clever quips are perfect for adding a sprinkle of humor to your day ๐ŸŒŸ. Whether you’re looking to lighten the mood or simply want a good laugh, these quotes will have you chuckling in no time ๐Ÿ˜„. Dive in and discover a world where words dance joyfully with laughter ๐ŸŽ‰!

Just told my cat Iโ€™d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase โ€˜Thereโ€™s no such thing as a free lunchโ€™. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is โ€˜The only free cheese is in the mousetrapโ€™ โ€” which is so much better.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.

Posted onApr 2, 2026

The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

My parents told me Santa wasnโ€™t real when I was 16. Jokes on them, because Iโ€™m at the mall right now, and guess whoโ€™s here.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

Posted onApr 1, 2026

My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Can’t believe I spent so many years of my life asking teachers if I was allowed to use the bathroom, and sometimes be told no. What the hell?

Posted onApr 1, 2026

The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. Iโ€™m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

Posted onMar 31, 2026

If she forgives you, then 30 minutes later comes back mad again: that means she told her friends in her group chat, and the board of directors did not agree.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

The dumbest person you know is being told, “You’re absolutely right!” by ChatGPT.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

Anyone who thinks being a pessimist isn’t any fun fails to appreciate the joy of saying, ‘I told you so.’

Posted onMar 31, 2026

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

So I got a call from a telemarketer, and he said he couldn’t understand me. I told him, “Press 1 for English.”

Posted onMar 30, 2026

No one told me adulthood would require this much multi-factor authentication.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Teens be like, โ€œThis is the worst day of my life,โ€ and itโ€™s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I’ve been blocked, unfollowed, and unfriended, but I’ve never been told I’m bad in bed.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Oddโ€”my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I told my GPS I needed direction in life, and now it insists on recalculating every hour.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on vacation this year; now it’s dead inside and I’m left with emotional baggage.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out Iโ€™m not even remotely funny.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I told ChatGPT about us.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Has someone told the whales that they canโ€™t sing?

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Someone told me I wasnโ€™t thinking clearly, as if thatโ€™s even an option.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Whoever told you thereโ€™s no such thing as a stupid question lied.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Told my homie I was “going through it” and he just said โ€œgo around itโ€.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I canโ€™t eat right away.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

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