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“It can’t get any worse than this”, I lie to myself knowing it will absolutely get worse.

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IKEA is like the Hotel California of furniture stores.

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I’m letting go of all earthly attachment — exactly like Buddha, except for the things I like and want.

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Beavers are also just otters that have learned carpentry.

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I’m not old, I’m vintage.

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It’s almost impossible to talk to a girl without flirting with her.

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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation.

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Remember, guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

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You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing.

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Be bold, be italic, but never regular.