The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

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Memories are a bit fuzzy – but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’ This used to be a real country.

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Dear razor commercials, please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress someone, shave a gorilla.

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If Dracula had a cat, she’d be the one sleeping in the coffin.

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For Halloween, I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

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So, Earth is basically auditions for heaven and hell.