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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇬🇭 has shared:

My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has shared:

I wish I lived in a sitcom, and my friends just barged into my apartment uninvited.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has viewed:

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Someone from 🇱🇰 has copied:

I must retire to my chambers about this.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

You ever got inside jokes with yourself, or is that schizophrenia?

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

I have been so toxic and horny lately, I should probably start, like, reading a book or something.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has viewed:

My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has viewed:

Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has downloaded:

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

Frankly, I have too many situations and not enough monitors.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,439

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Going viral on Slack:

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation.

After ejaculation, men automatically realize that everything is vanity upon vanity.

1 month ago

Witty text highlighting men's fleeting realization of life's vanity after climax.

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Commentary:
Post-nut clarity: the original philosopher's stone 🧙‍♂️🤯💭

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60 shares on LinkedIn this month:

“You’re always sleeping!” God forbid a girl wants to be unconscious.

53 shares on Slack this month:

Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

63 shares on Discord this month:

She calls me Anthony Bourdain because I eat her parts unknown, no reservations.

57 shares on Pinterest this month:

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.

46 shares on Instagram this month:

Of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centers around them being eaten.

15 shares on Messenger this month:

She’s the kind of beautiful that makes me do 40 push-ups in my room at 3am.

65 shares on Telegram this month:

It’s with a heavy heart and a deep sadness that I have to announce that I’m at work.

16 shares on WeChat this month:

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.

74 shares on YouTube this month:

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

70 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇱 has shared:

My door camera alerts are all just me stepping outside to see how warm it is.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has shared:

If bugs could talk, they would probably say things like, “What the bug?”

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

If history is repeating itself, when can I buy a pet dinosaur?

Someone from 🇪🇨 has shared:

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has bookmarked:

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside, that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has viewed:

I don’t need a midlife crisis. My whole life is a crisis.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has shared:

I don’t get why banks tie pens with strings. We trust them with money, but they can’t trust us with a single pen.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has copied:

Viewing someone’s LinkedIn after they’ve viewed yours to assert dominance.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has viewed:

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has bookmarked:

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

Shared recently on Instagram:

I love when the plot thickens.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Frankly, I have too many situations and not enough monitors.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Instead of calling it the John I’m going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

You know you’re getting old when you and the grocery store have the same playlist.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Do you ever wake up in the morning and you’re just like… no.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

Spotted on Threads:

Twitter is like attaching a message to a balloon, hoping that the right person somehow finds and reads it.

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Activity Log ✨

After ejaculation, men automatically realize that everything is vanity upon vanity.

I will never understand why our washing machines feel the need to lie about how much time is left. If you need more time, just let me know, that’s fine.

The devil is keeping him alive to avoid spending eternity with him in hell.

The iPhone alarm is so effective that you wake up before it goes off, so you don’t have to listen to such an unbearable noise.

I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.

90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying seems to be working.

There are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

After ejaculation, men automatically realize that everything is vanity upon vanity.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I will never understand why our washing machines feel the need to lie about how much time is left. If you need more time, just let me know, that’s fine.

The devil is keeping him alive to avoid spending eternity with him in hell.

The iPhone alarm is so effective that you wake up before it goes off, so you don’t have to listen to such an unbearable noise.

I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.

90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying seems to be working.

There are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

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