5561 funny i quotes - Page 28 - Wordgag

Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.

May 28, 2026

I love jogging in this heat, cause the sweat hides my tears.

May 28, 2026

Teens are like, “My homework isn’t done, but check out this presentation I made on why I need Instagram.”

May 28, 2026

I have no prime. I will evolve till I die.

May 28, 2026

I can’t believe that it’s our turn to give money to our nephews and nieces.

May 28, 2026

Babe, wanna come over and watch me apply for jobs on Indeed until I start to cry.

May 28, 2026

The only thing I miss from my past is that flat stomach I had.

May 28, 2026

To be clear, when I said I was looking for “growth,” I meant in salary, not in workload and stress levels.

May 28, 2026

I grew up ugly, so I had to be funny, and then got hot in my twenties, so that’s how I became perfect.

May 28, 2026

My hobbies include using the TV as background noise while I scroll on my phone.

May 28, 2026

This heat made me realize I won’t survive in hell, I gotta change.

May 28, 2026

I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

May 28, 2026

I have been alive all my life, and have not once seen a Chinese food commercial.

May 28, 2026

Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.

May 28, 2026

I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish, I just can’t stop coming to conclusions.

May 28, 2026

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

May 28, 2026

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park, but it’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.

May 28, 2026

My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

May 28, 2026

I once had a psychic girlfriend, she left me before we met.

May 28, 2026

I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was thanks.

May 28, 2026

To cut a long story short, I became a film editor.

May 28, 2026

I put the “sexy” in “dyslexic.”

May 28, 2026

The show “How I Met Your Mother” was just a really long TED talk.

May 28, 2026

Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

May 28, 2026

Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a church window cleaner.

May 28, 2026

My doubters will become my grouters when I remodel the bathroom of success.

May 28, 2026

I said when I retire, I would travel. I just didn’t expect it to be to the doctors.

May 28, 2026

An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

May 28, 2026

I identify as Michael Jackson, so my pronouns are “he/hee.”

May 28, 2026

My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.

May 28, 2026

I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.

May 28, 2026

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird, feisty, caffeinated weightlifters.

May 28, 2026

I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

May 28, 2026

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

May 28, 2026

I don’t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security.

May 28, 2026

I learned Morse code, and then I couldn’t sleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

May 28, 2026

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making, and now, I can’t read anything.

May 28, 2026

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

May 28, 2026

I’m getting to the age where it’s rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if I don’t have enough for everyone.

May 28, 2026

Nudes are played out. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.

May 28, 2026