Funny quotes ID Page 2

92 Funny ID quotes

If I were an organ, I’d fail.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

On the one hand, I’d love to look sexy in a bikini. On the other hand, there’s cake.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

At my size, I’d be called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

Funny Quotes Jan 27, 2025

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football line-ups on and off for 8 hours.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

Dating apps? No thanks, if I wanted to talk to someone for hours and accomplish nothing, I’d contact tech support.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

You know where I’d like to go? Missing.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Funny Quotes Jan 26, 2025

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I’d never pick the lesser of two evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

Just once I’d like my dog to give me a treat.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025

I don’t think I’d be so scared of spiders if they had eight tiny flip flops on.

Funny Quotes Jan 25, 2025