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If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait, no – that was a typo. Food. I try to find the food in every situation.

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I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

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I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

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I hate when someone on a magazine cover stares at me while I eat.

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Parents be like โ€œwhy arenโ€™t you eating, donโ€™t you like my food?โ€ and after you eat a ton, theyโ€™ll say โ€œyou look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.โ€

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Itโ€™s exciting to receive a Valentineโ€™s Day card and not know who itโ€™s from. A Fatherโ€™s Day card, not so much.

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People who accuse me of delusions of grandeur, obviously don’t worship me enough.

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By 30, you should have settled down with an addiction that works for your lifestyle, no second guessing. You go to work, come home, and [addiction].

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Crying while wearing a backpack has unlocked a new level of humiliation I did not know was possible.

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ป๐Ÿ‡ณ has downloaded:

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles.

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We are all monsters searching for someone to share our lives with.

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Almost fell asleep while putting on the sweater because it got dark for a moment. That’s all you need to know about my morning state.

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My superpower? Staying calm when talking to idiots.

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The peace of not knowing.

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I canโ€™t believe Iโ€™m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel.

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My hobbies include adding things to my cart, and never buying them.

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Girls these days are like a box of chocolates. Some have nuts.

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If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex then I’m out of advice.

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