Commentary:
Looks like I'm on a mission to make my brain and body equally well-rounded 🤣🤯🍩
1272 Funny sarcasm quotes
Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Commentary:
That level of commitment deserves a tick of approval… or maybe a sticky note reminder! 😂📋🖊️
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Commentary:
Teamwork may make the dream work, but it also makes my eye twitch! 😂🤝🥊
My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.
Commentary:
When your wallet's on a diet but your mom isn't! 🍽️😅🍕
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Commentary:
That's one way to prove love doesn't hurt! 😂❤️🌀
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.
Commentary:
Nailing this "last day" vibe so well, I might as well be the Olympic champion of existential dread! 🏆😅
I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.
Commentary:
When it comes to hints, I'm on a strict see-no-clue diet. 🙈🤷♂️🔍
“You’re so quiet.” Thanks, I’m not comfortable around you.
Commentary:
"Keeping my words in quarantine 😂🙊"
One thing I hate more than a liar is a liar that thinks I’m dumb.
Commentary:
When you catch a liar in the act, but they still think they're in the Olympics of deception 🏅😒🤦♂️
Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.
Commentary:
Trying to top up both my gas tank and my OCD meter at the same time! ⛽️😂 #PumpPerfection