When a lady compliments your facial hair, have the goddamn decency to compliment hers.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has viewed:

Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?

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My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

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There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa.

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The days will soon be shorter again. Then it won’t rain for so long.

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Women are like apples; I like biting them.

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My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

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Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.